You Can't Always Get What You Want

Copyright 2002 David A. Wheeler, Ph.D., PHR, CMT NoStress@mail.com   Last updated 10/11/05 04:11 PM

File: relationships.htm

Transaction: An interaction between people with a defined beginning and a defined end.

Relationship: Habitual Pattern of transactions

Building

Eye Contact

Small Talk

Opening Line

Questions

Self Disclosure

Mutuality

Continuation Phase

Intimacy

More self disclosure

Trust

Person is not who you thought they were

Equity

Compromise

Change with time

Long Term Relationships - Marriage

Purpose of the Relationship

Children

Friends

Business Partners

Companionship

Excitement

Stability

Harville Hendricks

You are with the person at a particular time that can most help you grow.

One person cannot meet all of your needs

Imago-your mother and father

In a long-term marriage, there are always at least 10 irreconcilable differences

John Gottman ***

Love lab

Predictors of staying together

Talking

Matching Conflict Styles

Volitile

Validating (Analytical)

Conflict Avoiding

Physiological Response (holding anger in)

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (divorce)

Criticism (Personal Attack)

Contempt

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

5:1 ratio Good to Bad

Communication

  • Active listening
    • Listen fully - BEING PRESENT
    • Paraphrasing
    • Your statement
    • Empathy
  • Negotiation
    • Figuring out the real problem
    • Active listening to discover positions
    • Discuss/Brainstorm solutions
    • No 'kitchen-sinking' -- stay on topic
    • Time outs
      • Have to be respected
      • Have to state when the discussion will restart
      • Have to restart at that time
      • Minimum of 20 minutes
    • Sit across the table
    • Come up with written contract
    • Sign it
    • Post it some place public
    • Don't expect perfection

 

 

 

 

 

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Last modified: 10/06/05